Addiction doesn’t just affect the person who drinks, uses, or acts out, it affects the entire system of the relationship. As a couples therapist and addiction professional, I often meet partners who love each other deeply yet are caught in painful cycles of mistrust, resentment, and disconnection. One person may be in active addiction, while the other is exhausted from holding everything together. Or perhaps one partner is newly sober, working hard on recovery, while the other still feels unsafe and unsure how to trust again.
“Recovery brings major shifts in identity, structure, and emotions.”
Addiction is often an attempt to soothe what feels unbearable, and that pain almost always touches both partners. In therapy, I help couples slow down enough to see the patterns they’ve been living in, the chasing, the withdrawing, the caretaking, and the control. Beneath those behaviors are two people trying to find safety in a situation that feels unpredictable and frightening.
When one partner is in active addiction, the first goal is establishing safety and clarity. I help the couple define what “safety” means right now, emotionally, physically, and financially. That might include boundaries around substance use, communication, or co-parenting. Sometimes it means deciding what contact or living arrangements are workable in the short term. This stage is not about punishment or ultimatums, it’s about honesty and self-protection. The partner who isn’t using needs to stop living in reaction to the addiction, and the partner who is using needs to face reality with support, not shame. When a partner is in early recovery, couples work becomes about rebuilding trust and re-establishing connection. Recovery brings major shifts in identity, structure, and emotions. The partner in recovery is learning to live without the old coping mechanisms, while the other partner may be waiting for proof that this change will last. I help them create transparency and consistency, two essential ingredients for rebuilding trust. Together we talk about triggers, cravings, resentments, and fears. Both partners get to speak, and both learn how to listen without collapsing or attacking.
We also explore the deeper emotional injuries on both sides. Addiction creates betrayal, of promises, of safety, and often of intimacy. But it also exposes unmet needs and old wounds that existed long before the substance use or behavior began. Therapy becomes a space to address those roots while learning new ways to connect, truth telling, accountability, empathy, and repair. Over time, couples in recovery can move from surviving addiction to creating something stronger and more real than before. Sobriety alone doesn’t guarantee intimacy, recovery is about emotional honesty, self-ownership, and learning to love without hiding. I’ve seen couples who were once broken by secrecy and shame become powerful allies for each other’s growth.
The work is not easy. It asks for courage, forgiveness, and the willingness to face discomfort head-on. But it’s possible, and when both partners engage in recovery, whether together or on separate paths, the relationship can become a source of healing rather than harm.
